The Name Of This Page Is "Fuck This!" - A Personal Rant Of Frustration

     I am sick and tired of being in the goddamn closet of life!  Of being told to stay in the closet by those I love.  And, in being forced to be by those I care not for.  Yet, another example of it presented itself to me today, and over something that I had done many long months ago.  All I did was make an expression, and a rightfully good one at that.  Well fucking thought out and life-preservingly honest.  And, what did I get for it?  A fucking keep yourself in the closet, please, so that some ain't got to wonder what their certain friends might say if they should find out.  Fuck those certain friends!  So, what if they find out.  Because of my association to the uniform, I'm in the closet.  Because of her fear of certain friend's possible reactions should they know the true me, she's never asked them, I'm told by her to stay in the closet.  I'm okay and acceptable only so long as I'm in the goddamn closet, known and seen and heard only by those deemed the acceptable few.  And, I'm sick of it.  Sick of this goddamn closet people want me to live in.  Sick of being unseen and unheard.  Surrounded by some kind of four walls, whether it be barbed wire or cinder stone.  Sick of being allowed to be me only so long as I be me in the fucking closet.  Fuck this goddamn closet!  Fuck it!  Fuck it!!  Fuck it!!!  And, I wonder why I'm so fucking depressed and can't sleep all the goddamn time!  Oh, wine, here I come!  Another bottle for another night.  Oh, cigarettes, I so fucking hate you!  But, where the fuck is my goddamn lighter now? 

     I could talk about the BS of acceptance and understanding, but this only exists for those who have openly accepting others around them.  I can demonstrate daily and repeatedly that who I am as I am is compatible with the society I live in, for I do this every day.  But, it's the attitudes of intolerance that cause the strains and stresses I and those around me are so deeply afflicted by.  It shows itself in these pivotal moments, and all the time these days in me.  This fucking existence is a joke, and then we die.  And, that's the simple reality of it.  I watch the Planet Earth series.  Every fish-type in the deep blue ocean does what they do day in and day out, all simply in search for the next meal.  There are no opinions about it.  There is no drama attached to it.  They do what they do without judgment of one another, because one is slightly different in nature than the other.  And, it's this way with every other creature of the Earth - except the human-type.  We are the only goddamn creatures on the planet that have got to be filled with so much drama, so many opinions, and so many fears of how some others might react!  Can't just simply live and let live, living in peace and acceptance of life as it really is like all the other creatures.  No, humans, always making a fucking issue out of nothing worthy of being an issue.  Out of a mother-fucking fact of nature and life!  And, after all the needless drama, we go the same way as the fucking fish of the sea.  goddamn, life is a fucking joke and then we die.  Replaced by others who now must live the human condition themselves.  I feel as sorry and fearful for them and their future, as I feel sorry for my own sorry mother-fucking self. 

     I understand why people do drugs.  I really do.  And, I understand why people kill themselves.  Taking that oh so easy way out.  Don't mother-fucking worry, it's forbidden for me to do.  But, I understand that obsession is a mother-fucker!  And, it's because we all have unresolved needs and issues.  And, we all just need so mother-fucking badly to just live and let live.  I just want to be who I fucking am already, as compatible to society and family as I have proven to be, without the goddamn closet of 'keep them in the dark about you' surrounding me.  Don't express this here, don't do this there.  Fucking-n-goddamn it all ready!  The only way I ever wanted to be known is as openly am.  Don't you understand that I'm claustrophobic?!  It's stifling the joy and life out of me!  How is it that this so small side of who I am, a side I rarely express personally and near always just online, how is it this one facet of me is the biggest issue in the world when it comes the presence of me?!  I'm sick of the closet.  Of the goddamn mother-fucking 'his nature' closet I'm always in and can't seem to escape from, no matter where the fuck I go and no matter what the fuck modifications I make to my way of fucking life!  I'm fucking sick it, already!  I just want to openly be me!  goddammit!!  then, there wouldn't be any issues over this aspect of me, this wholesomely godly and natural aspect of me!  Can't you goddamn see this?!!  Fuck it.  Chill out, cool down, accept the shit, and live on.  I got other bigger, more real, issues to deal with than this petty closet fucking shit that so goddamn surrounds my fucking life.  Like I got children to love, a wife to love, a family to provide for.  I ain't got time for what the fuck other might think or how the fuck they might react. 

     Those mother-fuckers can go fuck themselves, and in the worst fucking possible way in my goddamn mother-fucking opinion!!!!!  They're just like you and I, another fucking fish in the mother-fucking sea that will be dead enough in no time.  You mean to tell me that you're really going to let what they might think and how they might react inform how you're going to express your love for me???!  Really!!  I will always love you for exactly who you are, without judgment, and never have I accepted from anyone anything less than this - much less intolerance for who you are and the way you naturally are inclined to behave.  Nor, will I ever.  I love you openly, and am openly proud of all of who you are, even what embarrasses me, and I will defend you accordingly before those stupid people-fish who say otherwise!  And, regardless what the fuck reactions others might have that are negative, if they're stupid enough to try and throw that shit at me (yes, I know some are, and you've seen how I quickly deal with their bullshit!), I've got to be me openly for the sake of my own goddamn mother-fucking sanity!  I am not meant for a life in the closet, so please stop pushing me back in there.  god mother-fucking dammit! 

     Now with all this said, I love you all dearly.  I couldn't goddamn say this more clearly or honestly.  And, it would be the death of me to not have you all in my life.  So, go now to the Forgive Me page, and find forgiveness in your heart for me and my less than desirable ways.  It is never my intention to ever offend or hurt anyone in the way that I am and the way that I behave.  Forgive this worthless only if I allow others to make me out to be, humble and fully committed to you lover, friend, daddy, husband, co-worker - and what ever other association I have with all of you that I missed here.  I stand fully beside you, even if you don't stand fully beside me.  I get it, we're all caught up in our own way and at our present stage in the human condition.  And, I am no fucking exception.  Unfortunately for some, all my emotional venting is done online.  Alright, fucking enough with this!  The rant is out of me, and I'm done with this shit!  Next!!!!!