On this blogthoughts page:  Search Engines, Gays, and the Military

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Purse"

Search Engines, Gays, and the Military

       All my life I've been a little different from the norm of society or the standard by society of what a man should be. Even when I finally joined the military to restart my life, I was different. I always have been and I always will be a little different. And, by different I'm talking about my lack of a strong orientation intimately towards one gender over another, and towards my natural leaning towards poly-relationships and marriages over that of the standard, the mono word. But, in no way have I ever let personal leanings on an intimate level become part of my professional world activities. When I'm on the job, as they say, I am all about the job, not my leanings and orientations. It's the same way for me with politics and religion. These, like my sexuality and relationships, are kept to the social world off the job, as it should be. But, I do admit, we who are different do have our challenges. Because, especially if you're employed by an organization that categorically rejects you if found out and, to keep this from happening, forces you into the closet and tells others not to go looking in the closet, it's very stressful to be constantly on guard for any potential "found out"s. To know that, no matter how decorated you are and how recognized you are for your record of service, that all this could come crashing down around you in a blaze of attempted embarrassment with just one insensitive soul somehow learning and making a scene that just did not need to be made.

       And, this is what has brought me to this little bit of writing. You see, I was checking my stats and noticed that someone had been looking for me on the internet in a clearly military trained way of searching, it's all about the name. Not that this hasn't happened before, for it has. But, every time this happens, it leaves me wondering who it might have been, and is there any drama that will result from it. Or, wondering if this is now a new friend and possible secret admirer. And, unfortunately, there is no way for me to really know, for my stats analyzer does not break visits down to such detail, not that any generator really could. And, it is the trepidation within over the possibility of discovery with a negative result that led me, equally, both out of the closet, at least online, and towards ending my relationship with the military for good. I have always believed that people are inherently good and, if you approach life with this understanding and truly live openly and attentively, that discoveries of this sort can only and will only lead to a genuine respect and admiration by the discoverers of who you are outside the uniform. And, this has so far been my experience, seeing how I've survived two enlistments with the Air Force and one enlistment with the Army, with no issues or drama or interest over my intimate leanings when not on-duty. I've always had the number to SLDN, Service Members Legal Defense Network, ready. Just in case, I should find myself needing to make a call to address preserving a service record that is more than honorable, and deservingly needs to stay this way. But, thankfully, I've never had to call this number.

       Believe you me when I say this, with the ETS date of my third term coming up quickly, I had every intention of leaving the military. I was firmly intent about this. Primarily because of this issue and the fact that I'd rather be doing something vastly different in the first place. I don't really like the military lifestyle, regardless how good I may be at it and in it. And, the arriving ETS date in March of this year of 2009 was a glorious set date in the horizon that I was so looking forward to. But, unfortunately, because of the sudden downturn of the economy and the stress the idea of my getting out of the military was putting upon my family, especially my wife, I found myself with having no viable other option in time. I had to sign again the paperwork, the acceptance of having to serve for another few years. And, this signature is now the binds and burden of a renewed obligation, my obligation, an obligation made under duress of family stress and economic civilian work unavailability. So, I find myself continuing to need this number, unfortunately. A number that I would rather be sharing to others, rather than needing for myself. I'm a civilian now in my deep-rooted mindset, pretending to be military through the wearing of a costume called a uniform. I'd rather be wearing a business suit or t-shirt with blue jeans, instead. I don't want to be in the military. So, in a way, a part of me hopes that whoever searched for me in this military way with the name online is a new found friend and is comfortable with the new found knowledge and images that he or she has absorbed from this web site experience. Because, part of me really hopes, at the same time, that some how this will be the drama ever trepidated about in the past. That this is my ticket out of the military through incompatibility with service, regardless how respectable my record of service is, all because of a policy that says I can't be a part if known about in this way.

       I will let it go now and just trust. Trust that, if I must serve for the remainder of this latest forced commitment, that everything I need to truly separate myself from military life for good will be in place this next "get out" time around. Trust that, if drama does unexpectedly surface and it does somehow blow up into a situation that will create drama and actions that lead to other actions, then the truth of the weight of my service will bear out and that we, military and I, will go our separate ways with both's prides still intact. Both still standing honorably, as it should be, while agreeing to live our separate lives. Yes, I want a divorce with Uncle Sam, but I as yet cannot financially afford it yet. And, I am a man who, whether signing under duress or not, is a keeper of his word regardless the costs involved. Funny this is really, seeing how I belong to no nationality and do not support any one nationality over another, yet I get paid by a nationality to serve the interest of the people or, maybe more truthfully, the politicians of this nationality. A nationality that rejects the significant core parts of my nature that make me the disciplined and committed man that I am. Life is sometimes too difficult to figure out, and it's best to just live and love and let what happens happen. Living in trust that how it's turning out is how it is meant to turn out. Just know that I am always prepared, though, to guide this outcome in a way that is fair and just and deserving for all of us. I am a man of action who keeps his words on things. This I have proven so many times in the past to those who doubted or dared to test me. And, as I have been so shall I be. Open and equally prepared for action. For these two aspects of living socially and otherwise are indeed compatible with each other. Love y'all, and thank you for listening to me.

(Note: Technically, I did leave the military on 10 March 2009, click the thumbnail of the official 256a above.)               Joseph T, Your Servant In Many Honorable Ways!

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